you say it's your birthday...

...it's my birthday too....

Who sings that song? I can't remember... I remember it from Sixteen Candles. :-)

Yep, today is my birthday. I'm not very excited about it. I have told my family that this is the last one that I will acknowledge. :-)

Today I turn 39. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at this age. But it isn't as bad as it could be. I'm starting to feel better about things and really working on my self esteem.

So, how am I spending my birthday? Well, I have a work meeting until 3 then I go for acupuncture (which I just LOVE) and then dinner this evening with mum, brother and sister-in-law. Saturday mum and I are making strawberry jam and syrup and Sunday I'm going to the lake with dad and step-mum. We are off from work on Monday so I will get to have at least one day to rest. :-)

Well, I have a few more things to do before I go to bed, if I go to bed. I made two more wreaths this week and I need to tag them so I can take them by the shop tomorrow.

Blessings,
~*~

another bloom day...

the blooms on a lunaria annua, also known as moonwort...

blessings
~*~

bloom day #2

Pansies have such pretty faces... ~*~

It's been awhile...

...since i posted. Mostly because the big gaping black hole opened up and sucked me back in. I have finally found a way to get help without having to be heavily medicated (which makes me feel even worse than I already do) and am starting to feel better. I have done very very little in the last several weeks. The only thing I have done with any consistency is read. I love to read and have probably been through 10 - 15 books in the past three weeks.

I wanted to post to say that I am still around, I have been doing the occasional blog reading and have really enjoyed a lot of it. I've missed a LOT of work, and what hurts the most is that I missed working at the shop last Sunday doing tarot readings. I was so out of it and so confused and in pain that I didn't think it wise to try to give any spiritual counseling to anyone. I feel like I let my friend down. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but I do, and I guess that is part of the problem.

But, I'm working on it. I feel better today than I have in weeks and I didn't have the usual argument in my head about whether or not I was going to work today. I just got up, got ready, went to vote and came in to work. That is progress. So hopefully, more posts will be forthcoming, with lots of pretty pictures.

Blessings,
~*~

That's right... I'm a procrastinator...

Yep... I have just now finished my taxes. I still have to make copies and take them to the post office, but the forms are done and envelopes addressed.

I know... I'm slack. :-)

Back to regular posting tomorrow!

Blessings,
~*~

bloom day...

I've decided to post, at least once a week about my plants/garden/whatever I have blooming around me. I really love plants and working in the garden but i don't feel that I talk about it enough or do it enough. Hopefully this will inspire me to do more. :-)

Today's bloom day photo is crocus. These beautiful purple flowers are blooming in my side yard. Unfortunately they aren't where I can see them on a regular basis. I have to go outside or stand at the breakfast room window on my toes in order to see them. Having the picture helps me to enjoy them more.

I've been giving some thought to having some of my pictures framed. I am by no means a great photographer, but occasionally I feel like I hit on a really good one.


Sunday was pretty slow. I didn't get to do any readings, but I did get to hang out with my friend. I also found a new tarot deck. It is the Llewellyn Tarot. I was a little turned off by the name because I'm not a big fan of Llewellyn Publishers, but when I looked at the pictures, they are just beautiful! It is based on the Welsh legends and it resonates with me, probably because of my welsh heritage. :-) I can't wait to start using them. I may end up reading with those instead of the Robin Wood that I currently use. For all my spell work, I use the Druid Tarot. I like the images in that one too.

Time for me to go. The broom is in the shop waiting to be picked up. I need to mow, but probably will wait until tomorrow (I bought a new mower this weekend and need to learn how to use it!) and I have some crafty stuff I am itching to get to. Only an hour left of work and then I'm free for a few more hours. :-)

Blessings,
~*~

Too excited...

I must be too excited to sleep. This is the third night this week that I have been up very late. To me, 11pm is very late. I still have about an hours worth of stuff to do before I can go to bed. I'm currently cutting out tags to put on my wreaths. Yes, I've made more.


I have been very productive creatively this week. I made seven wreaths to take to the shop tomorrow and I also did some dabbling in clay. I really like what I made with the clay and I'll post a photo of it later. It isn't quite finished.

I have also finished making some business cards. I just have to separate them. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm going to be doing tarot card readings professionally. Tomorrow is my "first day" so to speak. That is probably what is causing all this nervous/excited energy I'm filled with right now. I'm hoping once I do my first reading that I'll calm down some.

We had a beautiful day here today. The temperature went up to 74 degrees. I planted some pansies in my window box and weeded just a little. My lawn desperately needs to be mowed, but my mower is broken. I went to Home Depot to purchase a new mower but they were out of stock in the model I want. I called one of the other ones in town and found one that has it in stock and am going to get it tomorrow. I have Monday off for the holiday and I plan to mow then.

Still a lot to be done, so I'm off for now.
Blessings,
~*~

Saturday

Saturday Sky...

near twilight...

Blessed Ostara

Happy Spring to everyone! I can't believe it is here already. I'm still wishing for another burst of winter (I just want a really good snowfall to wipe out all the germs and bugs) but I'm also ready for spring. I am looking forward to working in the garden but I haven't even begun to think about what to plant. Any suggestions?

Have a great day!
Blessings,

~*~

If you like English History...

...and you haven't seen this...I highly recommend that you do. I know it is not historically accurate, but I think it is fabulous!

PS... Jonathan Rhys Meyers is fantabulous!

Blessings,
~*~

...phew...

So... tired...

4:15 comes awfully early in the morning. I started back swimming this week. I have been every day except Tuesday. I can't believe how much I missed it.

I've been very busy this week, hence the lack of posting. I've been working so much that when I get home I just do not have the energy to even look at a computer. That has been good for other things, like knitting.


I finished a red fun fur scarf for a co-worker. I'll get it to her today sometime. I haven't knit much else. I've also spent time on my spring cleaning. I am planning on doing a very thorough cleaning of my house, hoping to get rid of a lot of extraneous stuff. I've been working on plans for my business, designing the business cards and brochures and also coming up with name options. I've also got about a billion ideas just running through my head of things I want to make. I'm going to sit down and make a list later today.

This weekend I'm going to hang pictures and get some things done at the house. I'm getting a new fence, I already have a chain link, but I'm getting a privacy fence to protect me from the neighbors. The guy that is going to put it in is coming by this weekend to measure and give me an estimate. I'm also hoping to get more done on my secret project. :-)

Gotta get back to work...
more later...

Blessings,
~*~

Saturday Sky...

Sometimes I wish I were a tree. A big, old oak or maple, that stands through time and weather. Watching how the world grows and changes through time.

It is cold here today. Yesterday was in the 60's and I thought today was to be just as warm. It is currently in the low 40's. I feel the cold all the way into my bones. I usually enjoy the cold, but today, I'd rather have warmth. It has also started to rain. We desperately need the rain, so I can't complain about that.

Today I have spent the day working on a new super secret project. It is something I have been interested in for a while, but didn't think I could do. I have been researching and realized that it might not be as hard as I thought and decided to go for it. I'm starting off small to see if it is really something I would like to pursue. It has the opportunity to become something big, something that could supplement my income and maybe work towards becoming a full time thing. I'm very excited about it. I promise to reveal details once I've finished the first couple of runs at it.

Another new thing is that I'm going to start doing tarot readings professionally. My friend that has a shop has given me the opportunity to read there once or maybe twice a month. I'm quite looking forward to it. Ever since last Halloween when I read for my co-workers I've been debating of whether or not to do it. I finally decided to just go for it. I that that is going to become my new motto. :-)

Tonight is dinner with my dad and stepmum, sil and brother. My sil turns 30 tomorrow. We had our celebration dinner with my mum on Friday. Tyler Florence's Horseradish and Garlic Prime Rib, Irish Potato Casserole, Green bean casserole, Caesar salad and yeast rolls. It was divine! We had the roast at Christmas and we all fell in love with it. There is a wild mushroom sauce thing with that recipe, but we didn't use it. We love Paula Deen's Brandied Steakside Mushrooms. That woman is just fabulous!
Oh, back to dinner tonight. We are going to Bravo! Italiana Cuisine. I like their food okay, but it would not have been my first choice.

I'm having a craving for cupcakes. I bought cake mix today, triple chocolate, and cream cheese icing. I might make them tomorrow night after work. If not then, it will be next weekend. This week is already set up to be a doozie. At some point I plan on making a batch of cupcakes from scratch. But right now I just want to have cupcakes! We really have become an instant gratification world, haven't we? :-)

Last night I finished reading The Other Boleyn Girl. It was excellent. I can't wait to see the movie. :-)

Well, I'd best be off, I need to try and warm up before changing for dinner.
Blessings,
~*~

Has anyone seen my heart?

No, I don't think this is it. I found this in the snow on valentine's afternoon. Is it irony, coincidence, a sign... I don't know. Sometimes I feel like my heart is encased in ice and that is why I haven't found anyone for me yet. I like to think it is a sign. A sign of love to come? Maybe...

Did anyone see the eclipse last night? It was beautiful!

It is getting closer to the spring equinox. Signs of spring are everywhere...



The weather people are calling for sleet and freezing rain tonight and tomorrow. I wouldn't mind a day of bad weather so I can stay home and finish my book. I'm reading Phillipa Gregory's The Other Boleyn Girl and I absolutely love it! I can't wait for the movie. I will probably go to see it when it comes out.
Blessings
~*~

Playing with Photoshop

I've spent some time in the last month playing around with Photoshop. I have no idea what I'm doing and can't seem to find a good book that would teach me how to use it properly. Above is the photo I took that I used as my base photo. It is just an old barn on the side of the road that leads to my dad's place at the lake. I love it though. Sitting there looking at it, I can see from the edge of my vision the things that have happened here and it has been used. Such character they have.

Anyway, with this photo I played with the charcol tool: (It looks kind of otherworldly...)




I really like the way this one looks. On the next one I used the graphite pencil tool. I really love this one.




The last tweak I did to this photo was with the glowing edges tool. It looks kinda funky to me, but I like it.


I really want to find a book to give me some direction. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. Also, I'd really love some feedback about what you think about the photos.

Blessings,
~*~

Happy...day...

We had snow last night. Yes, I said it, SNOW! We accumulated about 2 to 2.5 inches. I went to take the beast out around 9 pm and it was really coming down. It has already started to melt, boo hoo. I really still want a storm that will basically freeze the city. I would like to experience that at least once! :-)

I've been so busy and wanting to post here but just haven't been able to find the time. I went shopping on Saturday with Mum, the first time in a long time. We had fun and I got a few things that were kind of neat. One is a "Love Stinks" valentine voodoo doll. He is so cute! Yeah, V-day is not really my favorite time of year. Tonight I'm having dinner with mum and two of her single friends. Both of her friends need me to help them with their computers so I figured I'd be better off to get it over with tonight. It isn't like I have anything else to do.

I'm also starting to get the crud. That is what we grew up calling it. When you have a bad cough or congestion and just generally feel like death warmed over. I started noticing a cough on Sunday and each day it has gotten progressively worse. Today I can feel it really bad in my throat and chest and my nose is constantly stopped up. Ugh!

I have been knitting. I made a fun fur scarf for my friends eldest daughter who turned 10 at the end of January.



I'm also continuing work on the never-ending afghan. I'll try to get a picture of the progress up soon.

Well, I'd best get back to work. Hopefully, I can get back to regular posting now.
Blessings,
~*~

The whirlwind continues...

Whew... I'm tired! It has been an unbelievably busy week. Work has been very crazy busy and I've been helping a friend do some painting which is taking a lot of time. I've missed writing here and reading the blogs. I've been so busy I haven't been able to really check the blogs out to see what is happening with everyone else.

It is hot here today. I'm hanging out inside, working on a spreadsheet and watching movies and basketball games. I've also got some laundry going. I'm supposed to go paint tonight and I spent over 6 hours yesterday painting. It's been kind of fun and is making me want to paint my house. I'll have to do some work to it before I can paint. Stuff like fixing the cracking ceilings and the walls. I want to restore, not renovate.

Anyway, on the knitting front I've been working on a basic fun fur scarf in pink for a birthday gift for a 10 year old. I just need to bind off and work in the ends and I'll be able to mail it to her. It's late, but I hope she'll like it and be able to think of me when she wears it. :-)

Work has been a little better this week. Had a talk with the teammates and explained how I felt. It was going better until late Thursday, when the same old stuff started happening again. Friday I was out with a migraine so I'll see what it is like on Monday.

I really don't have much else to talk about right now. Time to get caught up on the blog reading. :-)

Blessings,
~*~

I smell snow...

Yes, it is snowing! It has been since about noon. It has taken a long time for it to stick, but now it is and the world is turning white. I love snow. I love how it makes everything seem clean, somehow fresher than before. Standing on my deck, with the snow falling around me I begin to believe that my dreams can become reality.

I had thought that taking time from work would give me a chance to do some things around the house, to get myself together. That hasn't happened. I have basically done nothing but rest and think. I have spent so much time thinking. I have thought about how I feel about my job. I have thought about how I feel about my home. I have thought about what I have lost in this life and what I may still have to gain. I have also thought about what I want my life to be. How I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do for employment. There is so much I want to change.

I have realized that part of my breakdown this week came from my fear of change, my fear of success. I've realized that there have been times when I knew what I wanted and I focused on them and they became reality. When I was 18, I wanted a house of my own, with a big yard, a cat and a dog. I drew a picture of what I wanted, it had the style of house I wanted, the dog in the yard, the cat in the window, and a garden in the backyard. 5 years later I remembered that drawing, looked around at my surroundings and realized I was there. I had everything I had drawn. I let the doubt creep in that I could keep it going, that maybe it wasn't right and I lost it.

I have focused that kind of energy on things that aren't good for me too and I'm still paying for that. I didn't do a drawing for it, but I put enough visualization into it that I got almost what I wanted or rather I got what I thought I wanted. It turned out that what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all. I'm still trying to end that relationship.

I've known for a long time that I want to live in the country. I want to live where it is quiet and peaceful, where I can walk for miles and not see a soul. I used to dream of moving to Montana. That was my 'thing' whenever I was mad or frustrated with something, I would say, "It won't be like this when I move to Montana". I don't know why I chose Montana. I have never been there, I've only seen it in pictures and movies. I never followed through because I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could move across the country and start over all on my own.

Well, Virginia isn't Montana, but an hour and thirty minutes from here sure does seem like a world away. I look at the treasure map of my 'dream' home several times a day. It is taped to the wall beside my altar, with a little mini altar in front of it. I light candles everyday to bring me to this home. When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of the house, the yard, the plot.

Standing in the snow on my deck, watching the world turn white, I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to. I realized that it doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't need to be easy, it just needs to be.

When I found out I could not have children, I gave up all hope of finding a love for myself, a partner. I thought that no one would want to be with a woman who can't have children. I don't know why I felt that way. Maybe it was because I was so bitter about having that integral part of who I was, taken away against my will. Maybe it was because I grew up on old fashioned southern mentality that a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant taking care of her husband. Please don't misunderstand, I don't believe that it is what is best for every woman and that it is the way it should be. I think that each person should choose for themselves how they want to live and what they want to do. Anyway, don't label me as anti-feminist or whatever.

Back to that snowy deck, standing there I realized I don't have to dream of just myself in that big house with all that land. I can add someone to the picture. I can add a partner to my picture, someone to share that peace, that joy. Someone with whom to share my heart.


Dreams can become reality. My dreams will become reality. I can hardly wait!



Blessings,
~*~

getting there...

First, let me say thank you to Queen and Draven for their comments on my post yesterday. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal or even homicidal, just really depressed. But the good news is, I'm feeling better today.

I got out of the house today, just a short trip to grocers, but it is progress. I didn't spend all day sleeping either, which is what I've done the past several days. I talked with my supervisor and let them know I needed some more time away from work. I have the rest of this week off and since Monday is a holiday, I don't have to go back until Tuesday. I think I can have myself back together by then, at least enough to be able to work.



This is what I'm looking at today. I love Christmas cacti, although this one turned out to be a new year's cactus. It has three big beautiful blooms on it right now. It is so cheerful.



I've also started a new project. I've decided I don't like one of the colors on my afghan, the color I am currently knitting on (a sort of grayish green) so I've put it up until I can get to the shop to pick another color. For my new project, I'm doing a second pair of socks. I'm going to follow the pattern more closely this time, doing the ribbing all the way down the leg instead of just at the top inch or two. I've chosen a purple colorway for this pair. If you click on the picture you can probably see the color better.


When I went to the store, I noticed this in my yard:


Yes, those are daffodils coming up and yes, it is the middle of January. It has been warm and I guess the bulbs have just been tricked into thinking that it is spring. That is all changing tonight supposedly. We are currently under a winter storm warning. Last I heard we are expecting about two inches of snow before it changes to freezing rain and sleet. I'm hoping for the snow. I am planning on making chili tomorrow since the temperature is going to be in the low 30's. It will be a nice day for chili and to curl up with yarn and needles.

Anyway, I'm feeling better and wishing for snow. Thanks again for the comments and concern.

Blessings,
~*~

Not again...

I've been really down lately. I think my bpd is kicking in again. It has been years since it had this big of an impact on me. Now I can barely function. I've have barely left the house in days. I haven't been to work since last Thursday. Problem is, I don't want to go back, ever. I feel so horrible and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. Everyday it gets worse, I sink deeper and deeper. I feel like I am drowning in despair. I don't know why I feel this way.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. I don't seem to know anything anymore.

Blessings,
~*~