Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I got nothin'...

Do you remember those PSAs against drugs. They'd show an egg and say "this is your brain" and then crack the egg into a hot skillet and show it frying and say "this is your brain on crack" or whatever drug it was against. Yeah... well... my brain is now in the skillet and is the fried egg.

No drugs involved...just hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of work.


That is all.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

too much to do...

What a week! This time of year is always crazy for me because of work, but this is one for the books! Since Monday, I've put in over 60 hours, and there is still so much left to do. I hope things will slow down some next week. I could really use a break.

I'm quite happy with my decision not to move. I have not started any of my projects, but I have started the list so that I know what I want to do to make my life more enjoyable here. Between work and being sick, there doesn't seem to be time to do anything else at all. I'm behind on several craft projects and had planned to have my Hoodoo course homework ready to mail in by the end of August. Hmph...haven't even started it. :-(

I'm doing readings at the shop tomorrow. I've been so revved up lately that I'm hoping things will go well tomorrow. I haven't done a reading for anyone in over a month. Hopefully tomorrow will bring someone who wants me to read for them.

Thanks for all the healing energy, thoughts, well wishes, candles, etc, for my step-mum. The surgery went really well and she is doing amazing. There is even a slight chance that she may not have to have the chemo/radiation, but it is doubtful. I really appreciate the time and thoughts of you all.

Well, time for me to vegge-out in front of the TV and try to relax for a while.


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wishy? No, just washy...

It seems I can never make up my mind about important things. I tend to go back and forth and back and forth on a never-ending merry-go-round of indecision. In my last post, I talked about my need to move. The fact is, I never wanted to move.

I love my little cottage, I love my yard, even the overgrown parts of it. I have so many ideas and plans that I want to do here. I felt good for a while about my decision to move, but there has been a little voice in the back of my head that said I should not move. A voice that said that I would continue to be unhappy in a townhouse, surrounded by people.

I spent today at the hospital. My stepmum was diagnosed with breast cancer and today was her surgery. During the day, listening to my dad, aunts and uncle talk, I realized that I'm a runner. Whenever things get the least bit rough, I run. I move or I quit jobs, or I retreat into my hermit side and avoid people, even friends and family. I have been scared all my life. What am I scared of? I really don't know.

What I do know, is that I'm tired of running. I'm sick of not standing up for myself. Most of all, I'm done with being scared.

I am not running anymore.

I'm going to stay in my little cottage. I'm going to do what I can to limit the contact with the annoying neighbor (both physically and magically) and I'm going to make this place what I want it to be. I'm going to enjoy living here and having my own little plot of land to plant and tend. I need that, for my soul to grow and flourish, I need just that.

Am I being silly, wishy-washy, or am I being brave? I think, I am finally being brave.


Monday, August 04, 2008


Change is the one thing that is a constant in life. Everything, everywhere changes. Sometimes change is not what we want to have happen to us. At other times, we want change to happen in our life. Then there is the change that we don’t want to happen, but know that it is for our greater good.

Early in my life, I realized that I knew what I wanted my life to be and I have spent my whole life fighting the changes that would keep me from what I wanted. I have ignored, avoided and run from change. Yet, it was always there, hiding in the shadows and waiting to pounce. Well, change has caught me at last. The last argument I had with my neighbor, this past week, has pushed me over the edge. It has made me accept that I have to change my lifestyle and accept my limitations. I have to let go of old dreams and ideas and open myself up for new ones.

With that in mind, I am putting my house up for sale. Instead of the big house in the country with lots of land that I have always dreamed for and wanted, I’ve decided to purchase a townhouse. I have several requirements that I need in order to feel that I’ll be happy there. One of the requirements is that it has a nice patio area, preferably fenced, with some space for planting flowers, etc. I’ve already started viewing places. One of the places we looked at this weekend was perfect. Plenty of room, lots of light, a nice big kitchen with a breakfast nook, dining room, and the patio area is perfect. It is already fenced, and has lots of space for plantings. There is enough room that I can have a guest room, a sitting room for my grandmother’s furniture and a studio. It is a little pricier than I’d like but it is within my limits.

Part of me is very sad to give up my little cottage and the yard that comes with it. But I have come to understand my physical limitations are just not going to let me enjoy and take care of the yard as I would like. Not being able to be out there working in it and making it what I want, adds to my depression. I tell myself, that without all the stress of the yard, the mean neighbor, I’ll be able to spend more time working on my crafts and other things. I have several other townhomes to look at that I hope will be nice. I’m ready to move and start over. I am ready to accept and embrace this change in my life. I hope that I can make the best of it.