Saturday, January 19, 2008

I smell snow...

Yes, it is snowing! It has been since about noon. It has taken a long time for it to stick, but now it is and the world is turning white. I love snow. I love how it makes everything seem clean, somehow fresher than before. Standing on my deck, with the snow falling around me I begin to believe that my dreams can become reality.

I had thought that taking time from work would give me a chance to do some things around the house, to get myself together. That hasn't happened. I have basically done nothing but rest and think. I have spent so much time thinking. I have thought about how I feel about my job. I have thought about how I feel about my home. I have thought about what I have lost in this life and what I may still have to gain. I have also thought about what I want my life to be. How I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do for employment. There is so much I want to change.

I have realized that part of my breakdown this week came from my fear of change, my fear of success. I've realized that there have been times when I knew what I wanted and I focused on them and they became reality. When I was 18, I wanted a house of my own, with a big yard, a cat and a dog. I drew a picture of what I wanted, it had the style of house I wanted, the dog in the yard, the cat in the window, and a garden in the backyard. 5 years later I remembered that drawing, looked around at my surroundings and realized I was there. I had everything I had drawn. I let the doubt creep in that I could keep it going, that maybe it wasn't right and I lost it.

I have focused that kind of energy on things that aren't good for me too and I'm still paying for that. I didn't do a drawing for it, but I put enough visualization into it that I got almost what I wanted or rather I got what I thought I wanted. It turned out that what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all. I'm still trying to end that relationship.

I've known for a long time that I want to live in the country. I want to live where it is quiet and peaceful, where I can walk for miles and not see a soul. I used to dream of moving to Montana. That was my 'thing' whenever I was mad or frustrated with something, I would say, "It won't be like this when I move to Montana". I don't know why I chose Montana. I have never been there, I've only seen it in pictures and movies. I never followed through because I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could move across the country and start over all on my own.

Well, Virginia isn't Montana, but an hour and thirty minutes from here sure does seem like a world away. I look at the treasure map of my 'dream' home several times a day. It is taped to the wall beside my altar, with a little mini altar in front of it. I light candles everyday to bring me to this home. When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of the house, the yard, the plot.

Standing in the snow on my deck, watching the world turn white, I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to. I realized that it doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't need to be easy, it just needs to be.

When I found out I could not have children, I gave up all hope of finding a love for myself, a partner. I thought that no one would want to be with a woman who can't have children. I don't know why I felt that way. Maybe it was because I was so bitter about having that integral part of who I was, taken away against my will. Maybe it was because I grew up on old fashioned southern mentality that a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant taking care of her husband. Please don't misunderstand, I don't believe that it is what is best for every woman and that it is the way it should be. I think that each person should choose for themselves how they want to live and what they want to do. Anyway, don't label me as anti-feminist or whatever.

Back to that snowy deck, standing there I realized I don't have to dream of just myself in that big house with all that land. I can add someone to the picture. I can add a partner to my picture, someone to share that peace, that joy. Someone with whom to share my heart.

Dreams can become reality. My dreams will become reality. I can hardly wait!


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

getting there...

First, let me say thank you to Queen and Draven for their comments on my post yesterday. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal or even homicidal, just really depressed. But the good news is, I'm feeling better today.

I got out of the house today, just a short trip to grocers, but it is progress. I didn't spend all day sleeping either, which is what I've done the past several days. I talked with my supervisor and let them know I needed some more time away from work. I have the rest of this week off and since Monday is a holiday, I don't have to go back until Tuesday. I think I can have myself back together by then, at least enough to be able to work.

This is what I'm looking at today. I love Christmas cacti, although this one turned out to be a new year's cactus. It has three big beautiful blooms on it right now. It is so cheerful.

I've also started a new project. I've decided I don't like one of the colors on my afghan, the color I am currently knitting on (a sort of grayish green) so I've put it up until I can get to the shop to pick another color. For my new project, I'm doing a second pair of socks. I'm going to follow the pattern more closely this time, doing the ribbing all the way down the leg instead of just at the top inch or two. I've chosen a purple colorway for this pair. If you click on the picture you can probably see the color better.

When I went to the store, I noticed this in my yard:

Yes, those are daffodils coming up and yes, it is the middle of January. It has been warm and I guess the bulbs have just been tricked into thinking that it is spring. That is all changing tonight supposedly. We are currently under a winter storm warning. Last I heard we are expecting about two inches of snow before it changes to freezing rain and sleet. I'm hoping for the snow. I am planning on making chili tomorrow since the temperature is going to be in the low 30's. It will be a nice day for chili and to curl up with yarn and needles.

Anyway, I'm feeling better and wishing for snow. Thanks again for the comments and concern.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Not again...

I've been really down lately. I think my bpd is kicking in again. It has been years since it had this big of an impact on me. Now I can barely function. I've have barely left the house in days. I haven't been to work since last Thursday. Problem is, I don't want to go back, ever. I feel so horrible and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. Everyday it gets worse, I sink deeper and deeper. I feel like I am drowning in despair. I don't know why I feel this way.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. I don't seem to know anything anymore.


Monday, January 07, 2008

New Year, New Moon, New Beginnings

New beginnings are important this time of year. Everyone is making resolutions and starting things fresh at the beginning of the calendar year. Today at Blogickal, Angela-Eloise talks about the new moon in Capricorn and what type of new beginnings that signifies. The new moon, in and of itself, is significant of a new beginning.

As Angela-Eloise says, "There are many signs around us that indicate that 2008 will be a tremendous year of positive change. Numerologically, we are entering a new cycle - this is a #1 year (2+0+0+8=10, this reduces to 1). It is a time of potential, of new beginnings and for some, the recognition of what has been missing."

I am very excited about the possibilities for this new year. I am also excited about the opportunity for positive changes. I am very focused on my path and what I need to do to become more at peace with myself and with the world. I am very focused on creating a new beginning for myself. The property/house that I am working toward will be such a change for me that there will be all kinds of things that I will need to learn. It will give me the peace that I need. It will also give me the chance for a new beginning in the job world. I have mentioned before just how miserable I am at my current job. I believe it is time for a new beginning there as well. With that in mind I am searching for a job in the area near the home I want to purchase. (Can you tell I am very determined to get this property?)

A change is in order to my spiritual path as well. I don't know if it is a new beginning or a new determination to embrace my gifts and use them as I should. There is so much I want to do. I'm ready to begin.

During my nap yesterday afternoon, there were two visions that I had. I can't really call them dreams, because I was mostly awake, just resting my eyes. One was of several houses, it was like a slide show of homes that went through my mind's eye. The last home was the one I'm going to buy, but the difference in this one was that I could only see the outline, the focus was on the sun setting behind it. The second 'vision' was of a snow storm, or rather a blizzard. That was it, just snow falling in blizzard proportions. I don't know yet what they mean. I have some more meditating to do on them.

So, I guess this post is about new beginnings. Lots, of new beginnings. Tonight, I found a job in the area of the house. I will be applying for it tomorrow. Two weeks ago, I set a goal that I want to be living in the new house by March 1st. The only thing holding me back is finding employment close to the house. I think the universe is finally listening to me and answering my prayers.

Is it okay to be a little bit scared?


Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sunday ramblings...

He came home today. His glucose is up (way up) and he was stable so they sent him home. They lowered his insulin dose and I'm to check in with my regular vet tomorrow. He has been quiet today for the most part. I was looking back through the blog and realized that it has only been about 3 weeks since his last episode. He also had one in November. It seems they are coming a lot more frequently now. Sigh...

I slept about 3 hours last night and took a nap this afternoon for about an hour. I'm wiped out. I'm trying to stay awake through the UNC game. I don't think I'll swim in the morning. I need to get some sleep, it is going to be a busy day at work. I've become increasingly unhappy there. I had made up my mind to not let it get to me and to keep my temper and my thoughts about it to myself when I'm at work. It took 2 and 1/2 days to break that 'resolution'. On Friday I had a run in with a co-worker and I have now decided to seriously look for another job. I am going to look in the area of "the property" or at least no more than 30 minutes from there. All I need is a job within that area that pays equal to what I currently make, and I can buy the property.
So, I'm on a mission. Two missions really, one to find the job and the other to buy that property. Meanwhile, I have to keep my cool at work. I have to stop stressing over the things that I cannot change and just do my job to the best of my abilities. I also need to take time to do things for me. I have not knitted a single stitch since December 22nd. Knitting class starts back on Tuesday so I'll have at least 2 hours a week where I will be knitting. I want to do some other creative things. I want to work on my photography and I have several ideas rolling around in my head for craft projects. I need to make the time!

Well, I have rambled on enough for tonight. I just have to hang on for another 20 minutes or so until the end of the game, then I can go to sleep. zzzzz....


Saturday, January 05, 2008

First Saturday Sky of 2008

I spent my day taking down the Yule tree and putting away the holiday decorations. I have left up some of my snow decorations and will leave them until spring. Right now I wish spring was a million miles away. I need snow. I need cold. To me, winter doesn't exist without snow. Maybe in a week or two. This week it is forecast to get into the 70's. How depressing...

In other news, I took the Saturday Sky photo this afternoon while sitting at a stop light. I was on my way to the emergency vet with my dog. He spent over an hour laying completely still. He just would not budge at all. When he finally did get up, he wandered aimlessly around the house for about 30 minutes. He would not sit, he wouldn't be still. I gave him a little food and he continued to act the same. The wandering is usually a sign that a seizure is not far behind. So, off to the vet we went. They took him back and came out a little while later to say that his glucose was too low. They are keeping him at least overnight to monitor and try to get it higher. They will call in the morning and let me know if I can bring him home or if they should continue to keep him. I will have to contact his regular vet on Monday to see what is next.

The house feels different without him here. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to sleep and stay warm tonight. I've had him sleeping beside me for 10 years. He is nice and cuddly and very warm. Hopefully, he will only be gone tonight. I'll have to throw some extra blankets on the bed.

Well, I'm going to do some job hunting online and get ready for the Steelers game at 8. I hope they win.


Thursday, January 03, 2008


It is so cold! Today's high was 33 but felt like 21 with the wind chill. I love the cold, how the breathe freezes in your throat. The only thing missing is snow! A friend of my mum's who lives in Maine sent her photos of the snow that they have received. It is so beautiful!

Here it just remains cold...bitterly cold.

New Year's Day I woke to no Internet service. My modem had died a horrible death during the night and it was late yesterday before the cable company could send a service person. What a person they sent! :-) When I opened the door there was the most beautiful man standing there, and when he spoke, I swear I almost swooned! His name is Ian and he is British. I don't know why, but accents from the British Isles just tear me up. Scottish, Irish, English and especially Welsh, I just melt! Unfortunately the hottie cable guy is married. Figures!

It has been a short work week, but a busy one. One of my "wishes" for strength in my job and patience has been going well so far. I think it helps that there is only one more day.

Well, I don't have much else to share tonight.