change

I found the below to be particularly interesting this morning when I opened my inbox. I am off to spend the day with family members that I would rather avoid. Several I utterly despise and many I just wish to not associate with. I'll have to pay careful attention to the day and my reactions to these people.

From: The Daily Om

May 25, 2009
The Start of Change
Breaking Family Cycles
It is easy to believe that in leaving our childhood homes and embarking upon the journey of adulthood, we have effectively removed ourselves from harmful and self-perpetuating familial patterns. In looking closely at ourselves, however, we may discover that our behaviors and beliefs are still those that were impressed upon us during our youth by our parents, grandparents, and the generations that preceded them. We may find ourselves unconsciously perpetuating cycles of the previous generations, such as fear of having enough, not showing affection, and secrecy patterns. Yet the transmission of negative patterns from one generation to the next is not inevitable. It is possible to become the endpoint at which negative family cycles that have thrived for generations are exhausted and can exert their influence no longer. Breaking the pattern is a matter of overcoming those values imprinted upon us long ago in order to replace them with pure love, tolerance, and conscious awareness.

Even if you have struggled with the cumulative effects of family cycles that were an expression of established modes of living and a reflection of the strife your ancestors were forced to endure, you can still liberate yourself from the effects of your family history. The will to divest yourself of old, dark forms of familial energy and carry forth a new loving energy may come in the form of an epiphany. You may one day simply realize that certain aspects of your early life have negatively affected your health, happiness, and ability to evolve as an individual. Or you may find that in order to transcend long-standing patterns of limiting beliefs, irrational behavior, and emotional stiltedness, you have to question your values and earnestly examine how your family has impacted your personality. Only when you understand how family cycles have influenced you can you gain freedom from those cycles.

In order to truly change, you must give yourself permission to change. Breaking family patterns is in no way an act of defiance or betrayal. It is important that you trust yourself implicitly when determining the behaviors and beliefs that will help you overwrite the generation-based cyclical value system that limited your individual potential. Many people are on the earth at this time to break family cycles, for all of you are true pioneers. In breaking negative family cycles, you will discover that your ability to express your feelings and needs grows exponentially and that you will embark upon a journey toward greater well-being that can positively impact generations to come.

Blessings,
~*~

keeping promises

So, if you'll remember, yesterday I said that I would be going back to work today and would only be taking time off in emergencies. Yeah..well...I'm not so good with the keeping promises like that. I did have every intention of going, but when I woke up this morning and took the beast out, this is what I found...



Yes.. I will use any excuse to avoid a place that I hate and despise with a passion. Honestly, though, I just feel nothing when I go there. I used to go in and look at my job as being productive and that I was useful to someone. Now, it is just this place that I loathe but yet, pays the bills. That is a very important thing. I try to remind myself that I am very lucky to even have a job as lots of people don't. So, I'm trying to work on my attitude about it. Therefore, I will be back to work tomorrow...

In other news, I finished my k2p2 scarf... or maybe I've already mentioned that? Anyway, here's a pic:



The beast is acting funny today. He's not eating and is sleeping constantly. I'm going to take him in tomorrow for a glucose curve. The roads are too dangerous for me today and plus his vet is not there. I don't remember if I mentioned that over the weekend we changed his insulin. He now takes an animal insulin instead of human insulin and he is taking much less. He was pretty wobbly this morning, so I guess it's good that I stayed home.

yeah.. I know... excuses... :-)

blessings,
~*~

emerging from hiding...

I've been in hiding this week. From what, I could not say. I stayed home from work three days, sick, miserable, despondent. I don't know where this comes from or why it comes. I wish I did. I just try to make it through whole and sane.

Today I made it out of the house and went on small trip with my mum. It is our annual trip to the county to get Brunswick stew and also to a sell of one of our favorite artists. We had a wonderful lunch, bought several neat things at the artists shop including two prints, one for her that was already framed and another for me that is still there to be framed.

After that we went to this little "antique" store down the road. Last year I found a cool hatpin there and this year I found 4 old skeleton keys...


and a porcelain pincushion doll...



I'm so excited about the keys - I've been looking for skeleton keys for over a year. The doll is a real find even though the cushion part is in very bad shape, the doll is in great shape and I've yet to decide what to do with it. One of my favorite people makes jewelry with dolls like this. I could never make anything as fabulous as hers, but I want to do something with it.

Tomorrow is another short outing and then back to work on Monday. I have to make it back to work. I've missed too many days in the past two weeks. Ugh...

Blessings,
~*~

still nothing..

I still don't have an answer as to what is wrong with me and why I'm in so much pain. It is driving me crazy. They want me to come back tomorrow and see a fourth doctor. I just don't think I can do that.

Work has been hectic and I've been coming home and pretty much crashing. Tonight I have more work to do from home which I'll get to once I eat dinner. I'm cooking spaghetti for dinner and am also cooking the green beans that I got at the farmers market this weekend.

I've decided to start using my other blog again. I started the other day and it is really under construction. When I opened it back up, I had to upgrade it and so I lost my background (which I loved). The link is in my sidebar. I feel like this site is my darker side and I need a lighter side too. I know... weird...

Anyhoo...I'm off to finish fixing dinner and getting back to work.

Blessings,
~*~

Exhausted...

I am utterly exhausted. After three days of doing nothing but lying down, I went back to work today. It was not pleasant. I am still hurting a bit when I take deep breaths and my shoulder is still hurting. I'm not really sure why. I also developed a migraine and am not sure if it is from the stress of worrying about this or being at work. :-)

In other news, my beastie has been having issues this weekend with being able to hold his bladder. Three times I caught him peeing in the house. Ugh! So, this morning I took him in to the vet to checked out. It turns out that he has a urinary track infection and a very bad ear infection. He is on two more medications and they also did a fructosamine (not sure about the spelling) test to check his blood sugars. Hopefully they will come back normal and we won't have to change his dosage of that. I tell ya, I just don't know how I make it each month. Last Thursday I spent $202 dollars for on his special dog food and supplements. Today it was another $337. Oh My Goodness! I think I spend almost half my check on the animals each month.

Anyway, still no word from the GI. I'm betting it will be later in the week and am trying to keep myself from stressing too much. Ha Ha!

It is hot here today. It went back up to the 80's. I hate it. I think in a few days it is supposed to go back to the 60's. I can't wait for the cooler weather to come back.

Blessings,
~*~

Bruises...

First, I want to say Thank You for the hugs, prayers and kind thoughts and words. You guys are so great!

The procedure went well and I was released around 2:30 this afternoon. The doctor who did the biopsy said I could not stay by myself tonight so my mum decided I would be staying with her. We ended up getting into a slightly heated argument about it. She wanted me to come to her house and stay so that she'd "be more comfortable." I was so hurt by that. I ended up getting to come home, but not before I had to get snippy about it. I thought we had decided that she would stay here with me. But after about two hours here with me, she decided to go home. She said for me to keep the phone close by in case there was a problem. I tell you, I just don't get it.

As far as the procedure itself, it wasn't too bad. The worst part was the pain afterward. They made me lie on my side, the one they had just poked into, to put pressure on it and help it heal. It really hurt! I have bruises on my side, my hands, my arms. I was poked and prodded so much.

So, I'm sitting on my couch, watching reruns of Two and a Half Men. I hope the pain will lessen soon. They gave me two vicodin a little after 1pm and at 2 when they came to check on me about discharging me they were surprised that the pain hadn't lessened. Unfortunately, they wouldn't give me more drugs.

I should hear something from the doctor about the test results next week. Hopefully, it will be early in the week. I hate waiting...

Blessings,
~*~

Scared

Fall seems to have come to my area with a bang. The weather has been in the high 60's and low 70's for a high for the last few days. It feels wonderful. We are getting high winds thanks to the storm off the NC coast. I love it so much! I have the windows open and have really been enjoying the cool weather and fresh air.

The last few weeks I've had a lot on my mind. So much so, that I've been unable to focus on much of anything. Work has required a lot of extra hours and with all the stress I have pretty much lost the ability to sleep. I'm worried. I'm also scared.

I have been having a few health problems and have seen several different doctors. No one can seem to come to a consensus as to what might be wrong with me. Apparently several of the results have not been good. Therefore, tomorrow morning I'll be at the hospital having a biopsy of my liver. The issue that the GI thinks I have is a disease that is only treated with medication that I don't want to take. The side effects will just exacerbate the symptoms I already have. I'm trying not to put the proverbial cart before the horse, but I am worried.

I'm pretty much in a wait and see mode and have been for weeks now while they do one test after another. It is very, very frustrating to me. I don't like to wait for answers. I like to know as soon as possible. I'm expecting a week or two before I'll actually know what is wrong with me. Unfortunately, this whole process has just revived all my memories and feelings from three years ago when I found out I had ovarian cancer. That was the most devastating doctor's visit I have ever had. I'm hoping there won't be another one to rival it.

I debated talking about this here. Honestly, I have no where else to talk about it. I can't share this information with people at work. My family has enough stress on them so talking with them isn't possible. Then my mum... well, mum lives in her own little world where nothing is ever bad and only good things are possible. I found out recently that all this time since my hysterectomy, she has believed that I only had benign tumors. Um...hello...benign tumors? I ended up having to call my gynecologist in order to verify that I had understood my diagnosis correctly. And to top it off, when I told mum I had to have a biopsy, the first words out of her mouth was "don't schedule it for next week, I don't have time." What the F is that? Ugh!

So, I'm on pins and needles, waiting... again. And I'm really, really scared.

Blessings,
~*~

Work

I try not to blog about my job. I try harder to keep from revealing too much information if/when I do talk about it. I'm going to stick to that right now. What I am going to say, is that I'm fed up. I am so sick and tired and frustrated and disgusted with our company. There are actually hundreds more adjectives I could use to describe how I feel right now, but they might be redundant. I think you get the point.

In December, I will have 10 years with this company. I will start getting longevity checks, I will get more sick days and vacation days. If I can stay for the next 20 years, I can retire at age 59 with full retirement benefits (including health insurance). This is all great stuff and wonderful reasons to tough it out.

I honestly think the job will kill me before I reach my 30 years.

I'm looking for a new job.

Wish me luck.

Blessings,
~*~

too much to do...

What a week! This time of year is always crazy for me because of work, but this is one for the books! Since Monday, I've put in over 60 hours, and there is still so much left to do. I hope things will slow down some next week. I could really use a break.

I'm quite happy with my decision not to move. I have not started any of my projects, but I have started the list so that I know what I want to do to make my life more enjoyable here. Between work and being sick, there doesn't seem to be time to do anything else at all. I'm behind on several craft projects and had planned to have my Hoodoo course homework ready to mail in by the end of August. Hmph...haven't even started it. :-(

I'm doing readings at the shop tomorrow. I've been so revved up lately that I'm hoping things will go well tomorrow. I haven't done a reading for anyone in over a month. Hopefully tomorrow will bring someone who wants me to read for them.

Thanks for all the healing energy, thoughts, well wishes, candles, etc, for my step-mum. The surgery went really well and she is doing amazing. There is even a slight chance that she may not have to have the chemo/radiation, but it is doubtful. I really appreciate the time and thoughts of you all.

Well, time for me to vegge-out in front of the TV and try to relax for a while.

Blessings,
~*~

Wishy? No, just washy...

It seems I can never make up my mind about important things. I tend to go back and forth and back and forth on a never-ending merry-go-round of indecision. In my last post, I talked about my need to move. The fact is, I never wanted to move.

I love my little cottage, I love my yard, even the overgrown parts of it. I have so many ideas and plans that I want to do here. I felt good for a while about my decision to move, but there has been a little voice in the back of my head that said I should not move. A voice that said that I would continue to be unhappy in a townhouse, surrounded by people.

I spent today at the hospital. My stepmum was diagnosed with breast cancer and today was her surgery. During the day, listening to my dad, aunts and uncle talk, I realized that I'm a runner. Whenever things get the least bit rough, I run. I move or I quit jobs, or I retreat into my hermit side and avoid people, even friends and family. I have been scared all my life. What am I scared of? I really don't know.

What I do know, is that I'm tired of running. I'm sick of not standing up for myself. Most of all, I'm done with being scared.

I am not running anymore.

I'm going to stay in my little cottage. I'm going to do what I can to limit the contact with the annoying neighbor (both physically and magically) and I'm going to make this place what I want it to be. I'm going to enjoy living here and having my own little plot of land to plant and tend. I need that, for my soul to grow and flourish, I need just that.

Am I being silly, wishy-washy, or am I being brave? I think, I am finally being brave.

Blessings,
~*~

Whew...I'm glad that is done!

So yesterday turned out to be a banner day. After my counseling session on Monday, I felt such relief and set about turning my place/life around. Yesterday, I took the day off, only half a day really as I was getting the other half already, and got my car fixed, mowed my yard, ran tons of errands, did laundry and cleaned the kitchen.

I also talked to my neighbor about the latest goings on between us. She said her dad did all the work and he owns the house and she would talk to him. So last night he showed up and we had a nice conversation and I think we are both okay on where the line is and all that. I'm hoping things will improve between my neighbor and I and that I will be able to stay where I am.

I still want the house in the country and to live there, but it just doesn't seem very practical right now.

I did have one big scare yesterday, when I came home from running errands, I came in and put my stuff down and Dylan was not at the door to greet me (very unusual). I went to the bathroom and saw him lying on the bed as I passed the bedroom and thought that he would jump right up.

After taking care of business, still no Dylan so I went into the bedroom and looked at him, and I swear he was not breathing. There was no movement at all. I said his name a few times and there was no response, I started to panic and yelled his name and up popped his head and he jumped down and came to me. I guess this means his hearing is starting to go. I have noticed I have to repeat myself when I call him or speak a little louder. He also can't see at night. If it is dark, he walks into everything, including me. Oh my.

Now I am back at work and things are not as great as they could be. Hopefully, if I can continue to keep this good attitude, I'll be able to make it a little better.

Now for a picture...


This is also a photo from the beach trip... there is just something about the lights on the water that gets me on this one.

Back to work now...

Blessings,
~*~

Silent Sunday...

Everything seems so silent around here today. It has been a very quiet day with hardly anyone around. The shop was pretty quiet today and I only had two reading requests. Even the grocers seemed emptier than usual.

I went by Michael's Crafts and picked up a bunch of paints for a new project I'm working on. I tried getting back to work on them the other night, only to discover that the paints I had were very old and dried out. I got a lot of pretty colors and can't wait to see what I can make out of them.

It is pretty dark outside right now. I heard some thunder rumbling by a little bit ago. I think we are in for a few storms tonight. According to the last forecast I saw, we may have storms every day. My poor yard may never get mowed at this rate and my garden? Poor, poor garden... it is so overgrown with grass that I don't know how anything else is growing. I haven't been out there in a few days, so I have to go tomorrow and see if there is anything to be picked. Last time I was in the garden, there were a few jalapenos almost ready to pluck. I'm sure with all this rain, they are ready by now.

I'm still trying to make up my mind about the neighbor/move situation. Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from work, indicating that my pay grade has been increased and I'm now making about $150 more. That does not include whatever pay increase the state deigns to give us this year. My salary is pretty good and with gas prices the way they are, I don't know if moving farther out is going to help things. Trying to find a new job and start over is seeming very overwhelming. December marks 10 years at my company, I'll start getting longevity checks and as my mum says, if I can just hang on for another 20 years, I'll be able to retire, at 59. So, do you see my dilemma? So... c.o.n.f.u.s.i.n.g!

Anyway, I'm off to put away the stuff I bought today and see if any laundry needs to be done. I am very sleepy and really could do with a nap. Oh, and I've got to make some business decisions too, I need to figure out setting up an online shop and how to accept payments, etc. :-) Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

Oops... I almost forgot the daily photo. Today's photo is from the beach and is of a brown pelican I saw while on a dolphin tour.


Blessings,
~*~

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th of July everyone!

Today is cleaning day for me, I'm working on rearranging my bedroom and need to get it all cleaned up. I also want to get two new altars started. I'm in need of a blessings altar and I really want to set up a love altar.

I need a run to the craft store for paints and fabric, but that may have to wait until Sunday, I'm doing tarot readings at my friends shop that day and will have to go out anyway.

Tomorrow morning is yard day with my mum. Last Saturday we worked in the front yard and got it looking pretty good. I cut back some bushes and we scrubbed down the front porch. Tomorrow we are going to finish the side and then weed the garden.

I've picked three squash from the garden and I'm planning to experiment with an idea I have for a squash and chicken casserole. If it goes well, I'll post it here.

I'm getting distracted from my focus on my bedroom by Psychic Kids on A&E. It is very interesting.

Well, I need to get back to work.

Here's another photo from the beach trip.


Blessings,
~*~

retro... let's get back to normal...

Mercury retrograde sucks.

I have had some very bad luck over the two weeks and am anxiously waiting for mercury retrograde to end so that things can get back to normal. Several issues have come up which I'm not going to go into here but this is a brief rundown of the other things that have happened lately:
there was the day a few weeks ago, where I ate my friends lunch (that falafel really looked and tasted like steak) and had to buy two lunches that day
on Monday, I fell going down my front steps to take out the trash. Nothing is broken, but bruises and pain abounds.
yesterday my car would not start and after a rousing game of who is going to tell me the truth just to get it towed, come to find out (at 5:30pm) that the battery and alternator are dead and it will cost approx $588 to fix it. But it can't be fixed until Thursday. So, I'm car less for a few days (very bad timing by the way!) I guess it is a good thing that the economic stimulus check arrived on Monday.
I'm not getting on with my co-workers right now. Two of them got into a religious debate and one of them, that I thought was pretty open minded and kind, actually sat there and insulted me for two hours to my face about my religious beliefs. (Half of which she was wrong about.)

I am so ready for a vacation! We leave early on Saturday morning and are stopping through a small town that my mum and uncle grew up in to visit a friend of the family that is 102. The town is on the way to the beach (sort of) and this may be our last time to see her. I'm looking forward to taking pictures and seeing the town that I used to spend so much time in. I love small towns and would have settled there, but the house I wanted I couldn't buy.

Anyway, then we hit the beach and will be coming back the following Saturday. The weather forecast for the week looks to be perfect! Sun, sand, ocean, pool, fishing, I can't wait! And the best thing about it? No WORK!!!!

Well, I'd better get back to work. I have lots of lists to make to decide what I'm taking with me and also decide what books to get to take. I plan to take lots of pictures and hopefully may even be able to blog from the beach. If not, I'll share when I get back!



Blessings,
~*~

bloom day #5 and other stuff

Above is my beautiful new plant that I found at the nursery of the local farmer's market. It is a big beautiful fuchsia. I'm really hopeful that I will be able to keep it alive.

Below is a closeup of some of the blooms.


I haven't not intended for this to become solely a gardening blog, but it seems that lately that is all I've posted about. I do have other things going on and sometimes I am just not sure about writing about them here.

I have decided to change the name of my home business. I have been calling it SpiritWitch Designs for a while, but just haven't felt comfortable with that name. It just doesn't seem to fit. So, I've finally found one that I like. I'm currently working on getting my logo for it designed. I have an image in mind and just have to figure out how to make it work. I'm not very good with Photoshop and that is the software I'm using to put it together. If anyone knows how to merge two photos together in photoshop, I could sure use some tips.

I've been going to acupuncture once a week and I'm also seeing a counselor and the combination seems to be helping me get out of my depression. I've been feeling much better lately and even made it through an entire week of work last week. Yay me! Oh and the best part... 2 and 1/2 weeks and NO HEADACHE/MIGRAINE!!!!

One other thing that has been helping me is this blog. It seems that every time I check in on her blog, the post that I find is something that seems written just for me. mccabe is coolest chic and such an inspiration.

So, I should get back to work, I feel that I have rambled on enough for now.
Take care
Blessings,

~*~

you say it's your birthday...

...it's my birthday too....

Who sings that song? I can't remember... I remember it from Sixteen Candles. :-)

Yep, today is my birthday. I'm not very excited about it. I have told my family that this is the last one that I will acknowledge. :-)

Today I turn 39. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at this age. But it isn't as bad as it could be. I'm starting to feel better about things and really working on my self esteem.

So, how am I spending my birthday? Well, I have a work meeting until 3 then I go for acupuncture (which I just LOVE) and then dinner this evening with mum, brother and sister-in-law. Saturday mum and I are making strawberry jam and syrup and Sunday I'm going to the lake with dad and step-mum. We are off from work on Monday so I will get to have at least one day to rest. :-)

Well, I have a few more things to do before I go to bed, if I go to bed. I made two more wreaths this week and I need to tag them so I can take them by the shop tomorrow.

Blessings,
~*~

It's been awhile...

...since i posted. Mostly because the big gaping black hole opened up and sucked me back in. I have finally found a way to get help without having to be heavily medicated (which makes me feel even worse than I already do) and am starting to feel better. I have done very very little in the last several weeks. The only thing I have done with any consistency is read. I love to read and have probably been through 10 - 15 books in the past three weeks.

I wanted to post to say that I am still around, I have been doing the occasional blog reading and have really enjoyed a lot of it. I've missed a LOT of work, and what hurts the most is that I missed working at the shop last Sunday doing tarot readings. I was so out of it and so confused and in pain that I didn't think it wise to try to give any spiritual counseling to anyone. I feel like I let my friend down. I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but I do, and I guess that is part of the problem.

But, I'm working on it. I feel better today than I have in weeks and I didn't have the usual argument in my head about whether or not I was going to work today. I just got up, got ready, went to vote and came in to work. That is progress. So hopefully, more posts will be forthcoming, with lots of pretty pictures.

Blessings,
~*~

That's right... I'm a procrastinator...

Yep... I have just now finished my taxes. I still have to make copies and take them to the post office, but the forms are done and envelopes addressed.

I know... I'm slack. :-)

Back to regular posting tomorrow!

Blessings,
~*~

Too excited...

I must be too excited to sleep. This is the third night this week that I have been up very late. To me, 11pm is very late. I still have about an hours worth of stuff to do before I can go to bed. I'm currently cutting out tags to put on my wreaths. Yes, I've made more.


I have been very productive creatively this week. I made seven wreaths to take to the shop tomorrow and I also did some dabbling in clay. I really like what I made with the clay and I'll post a photo of it later. It isn't quite finished.

I have also finished making some business cards. I just have to separate them. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm going to be doing tarot card readings professionally. Tomorrow is my "first day" so to speak. That is probably what is causing all this nervous/excited energy I'm filled with right now. I'm hoping once I do my first reading that I'll calm down some.

We had a beautiful day here today. The temperature went up to 74 degrees. I planted some pansies in my window box and weeded just a little. My lawn desperately needs to be mowed, but my mower is broken. I went to Home Depot to purchase a new mower but they were out of stock in the model I want. I called one of the other ones in town and found one that has it in stock and am going to get it tomorrow. I have Monday off for the holiday and I plan to mow then.

Still a lot to be done, so I'm off for now.
Blessings,
~*~

...phew...

So... tired...

4:15 comes awfully early in the morning. I started back swimming this week. I have been every day except Tuesday. I can't believe how much I missed it.

I've been very busy this week, hence the lack of posting. I've been working so much that when I get home I just do not have the energy to even look at a computer. That has been good for other things, like knitting.


I finished a red fun fur scarf for a co-worker. I'll get it to her today sometime. I haven't knit much else. I've also spent time on my spring cleaning. I am planning on doing a very thorough cleaning of my house, hoping to get rid of a lot of extraneous stuff. I've been working on plans for my business, designing the business cards and brochures and also coming up with name options. I've also got about a billion ideas just running through my head of things I want to make. I'm going to sit down and make a list later today.

This weekend I'm going to hang pictures and get some things done at the house. I'm getting a new fence, I already have a chain link, but I'm getting a privacy fence to protect me from the neighbors. The guy that is going to put it in is coming by this weekend to measure and give me an estimate. I'm also hoping to get more done on my secret project. :-)

Gotta get back to work...
more later...

Blessings,
~*~