Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Whew... what a day so far! I wanted to pop in for a second and wish everyone a wonderful and blessed Samhain. And Happy Halloween to any non-pagans! :-)
I've just finished carving the pumpkin, picture to follow later, and am getting ready to pick up the beast from the vet and then get ready for any trick or treaters that might stop by as well as get things ready for my Samhain ritual later this evening. Enjoy your night and watch out for visiting spirits! :-)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tomorrow is our Halloween Carnival at work. I am the entertainer for the event, the "fortune teller". I'll be doing mini readings (past, present and future). I'm a little nervous about reading for my co-workers, there are some I don't want to know anything about, if ya know what I mean.
Well, I'd best get back to work. Less than an hour left and then knitting class tonight. I still have to select my outfit for tomorrow and also pick out my pumpkin designs.
Maybe tomorrow I can post knitting pictures and pumpkin pictures.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Yesterday, Mum and I took a trip to the country. Some friends live in a rural area in the next county and were having a Brunswick Stew sale at the fire department. We went and had lunch and picked up our 20 quarts. It is delicious! I really think theirs is the best I've ever had.
After lunch we went to Dempsey's Place to check out the open house they were having. Mum ended up getting four framed prints. They are so beautiful! Dempsey was there and personalized the prints and also gave us his 2008 calendar, personalized, for free. He is a very nice person and I think he is a great artist.
The picture above is what I bought at Dempsey's Place. They had different sizes and also snow Santa's that matched. I would like to get one of each at some point.
After we left Dempsey's, Mum took me down the road to a little antique shop. They had some interesting stuff. I found this beautiful Hat Pin there at a very reasonable price, so I had to get it.
So far today I have checked email, downloaded and gone through my photos from yesterday, been to the grocery, started laundry, washed a load of dishes and started cooking some collards. I'm going out in the yard in a little bit to clean the gutters and rake leaves. I also need to finish cleaning out the garden. My compost bin is so overflowing I can't get anything else in. I need to get a larger one.
Anyway, hopefully I can get my yard stuff done and then get back to the knitting. I have to get this baby sweater done. Last night I found a whole that I'd left so I started going back a few rows to fix it. I really don't want to have to start over again. I did find out that the sweater has to be ready by next Saturday. I guess I know what I'm doing this week, with every spare minute. :-)
Friday, October 26, 2007
This morning, I awoke at 4:18, without the assistance of an alarm clock. The first thing I realized was that it was The Day. The Day is when I lost all my dreams and all my wishes. The Day is when I realized that Fate can be cruel and likes to play games with one’s mind. It has been three years since The Day. Three long, sad years. I have carried on with my life, but I have never been whole. My entire life prior to The Day was spent in anticipation and preparation for the family that I would have. I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie and The Walton’s. I wanted to be Olivia Walton. I wanted her life, the country home, the loving husband and seven or eight children. I knew deep down in my bones, in my soul, that was the life for me. All of my life I KNEW that was my destiny. I never even considered wanting or trying for something different.
Then it happened, pain, blood, surgery to remove a swollen and blocked fallopian tube. I was not happy about this surgery, but I couldn’t take all the bleeding, the pain anymore. And my gynecologist assured me it would not hinder my plans for child bearing. I knew when I came to, even groggy as I was that something wasn’t right. The doctor wouldn’t look me in the eye, nor would my mum. On the ride home, I vaguely remembered the doctor saying there would be pictures of the surgery should I want to see them. I asked my mum for them, but she refused to give them to me. “Not right now,” she said, “you’re still too woozy. I’ll show them to you tomorrow.” I knew.
The next day, I asked again for the pictures and received more excuses, “I forgot them at home with your paperwork, and I’ll bring them tomorrow.”
It was two more days before I was given the pictures. They were left for me where I would find them when she wasn’t there to answer questions. An hour after I looked at them, the doctor called and wanted me to come in that day to see another doctor in the practice as a ‘follow-up’. “What aren’t you telling me?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. “When can you get here? We’ll talk then,” she said. An hour and half later, I walk through the doors of the practice. There are pictures of each doctor on the wall, with their specialty listed below. My eyes searched for the name she had given me. There, I spot her name and look down at the title before looking up at the picture…Gynecological Oncologist. My heart stopped and somewhere inside me, my soul began to die.
The wait wasn’t long, but the conversation was long. It seemed to last for hours. Borderline tumors. Low-malignant ovarian cancer. It grows outside, not like normal cancers. Can you use the word normal and cancer in the same sentence? Only one choice. “But I want to have children; it’s what I’m meant to do.” “There are other alternatives to having a child naturally; you really don’t have a choice in this.” My last question what when do I have to decide, her response, “You can wait a day or two, but no longer than that.”
So many thoughts ran through my mind. I spent several sleepless nights and days, avoiding the doctor’s phone calls. When they finally caught up with me I felt I had no choice but to agree. Agree to a removal of my ovaries and only fallopian tube, but I demanded that they leave my uterus. “At least I’ll have a chance for IVF with a donor egg,” I thought. My surgeon would not promise to leave my uterus. The growths were all over the back of my uterus and the only way to be safe was to have a complete hysterectomy. A date was finally set for the end of January to have the surgery. I went through the process of telling my family and friends. I spent the months up to the surgery seeing specialist after specialist. At one point, I begged a fertility specialist to just remove my ovaries and freeze them until technology caught up and they could be sliced open and the eggs harvested. They said it wasn’t possible.
Time didn’t fly, but then it was January, and I was in surgery. Total and complete hysterectomy. Instantaneous menopause at 35. The next few days were a blur as I tried to recover physically, alone in a hospital that I hated (another story for another time) with no one to talk to. A bad ice and snow storm had come during my surgery and the roads were very treacherous and no one wanted to be on them. I remember lying in the hospital bed, sweating profusely and crying at the least little thing.
There have been lots of tears since the surgery and way more hot flashes. It has taken me this long to be able to be around babies without breaking down into hysterical crying. At the time that I was losing my fertility, everyone around me was becoming more fertile. Several friends and co-workers became pregnant or had spouses who did and every place I went had at least one pregnant woman or newborn baby. I spent the first year just trying to stay alive every day. The second year was spent trying to figure out what to do next.
I will never understand why my fertility was taken from me. Nor will I understand why my dreams had to die that way. But it is time to find a new dream, time to find a reason to keep going. Maybe someday…Blessings,
Monday, October 22, 2007
I need a change, a big change. I've already made a small one. I'm coming back to this blog. I won't be posting on the other one for a while, if at all. I won't delete it. At least, not right now, but there may come a time when I decide to delete it.
I'm feeling a lot of things lately and none of them are good. I've been thinking about a lot of things that I would like to change in my life. My current living situation is fine, it just isn't what I really want. I have a nice small house with a nice yard, but I can't really spend much time in the yard because of the neighbors. I don't remember if I have posted about my neighbor troubles, but long story short... we just don't get along. They are constantly harassing me and I just can't take it any more. I feel trapped when I come home. I feel like I can't really live.
What I have always dreamed of, is a big old farmhouse in the country, surrounded by lots and lots of land. A few weeks ago, after the latest harassment, I started looking for houses. I have decided that if I chose to move again, it will only be to the type of home I really want. I have been in this house for two years. I live only five minutes from work and to find the type of home I want, I'll probably end up at least 45 minutes to an hour from work.
Anyway, while searching around, just to see what was out there, I found it. I found exactly what I have always wanted. The house was built in 1828 and it has been restored and is surrounded by 68 acres of land. Yes, I said sixty eight acres. It is beautiful! I haven't been to see it yet. If I decide to go, I'll have to contact a realtor because it is over the state line. It is also one hour and fifteen minutes from where I currently live.
I don't think the asking price is too much. For the amount of lad and the home it seems reasonable. The only problem is that I don't have the asking price.
I feel drawn to this home, to this location. I don't know how to explain it. I need to figure out what to do, if I should even try to get financing for it. I know I would have to go see it before I made a real decision. Maybe I should start saving my pennies and investigate a way to finance it. One of my co-workers said I need to come up with a job that I can do from home, so that I wouldn't have to commute. It's a good idea. I just wouldn't know where to begin.
Well, enough about my rambling wishes and dreams. Let's talk about knitting. :-)
I finally finished the Iceland Felted Purse. It turned out a little smaller than I was thinking I would want it, but that is my fault for not paying close attention during felting.
Isn't it cute? I like it. I'll start using it as soon as it gets cooler.
Well, I'm off to heat up some dinner and do some crafting. I have a sodalite anklet that broke and I have some ideas on how to fix it and turn it into a necklace. So, I'm going to play with that after dinner.
If anyone has any suggestions for me about making my living arrangement change happen, let me know. I'd appreciate any help. Oh, and if anyone out there feels like giving away $300,000 I'll be happy to take it. I promise to put it to good use! :-)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
So, since I couldn't knit the rest of the afternoon, I decided to check out Ravelry! I had received my invitation earlier in the week, but hadn't had a chance to get online. I LOVE IT! It is very cool! My Ravelry ID for anyone might want to add me is Spiritwitch. Big surprise, right? :-)
Anyway, I'm getting ready to watch the Steelers game (for as long as I can stay awake) and surf some more. I should probably have something for dinner though. Oh and I watched a crappy movie this afternoon on SciFi. The Gravedancers is horrible! I can't believe I watched the whole thing! I love Dominic Purcell (one of the reasons I watched it) and the cemetery scenes were filmed in a my favorite local cemetery. I used to take walks through there because I worked near by. I still work close by but it is not as easy to get to so I don't get there very often. It was weird being able to recognize a lot of the places in the movie.
Speaking of movies, last night I saw The Guardian. It is a must see movie. It was fabulous! I'm not a big fan of either Ashton Kutcher or Kevin Costner, but I thought they both did a great job.
Well, I'm off. Going to try to get some dinner before kickoff and also flip back and forth to the Food Network Challenge (they are doing Halloween cakes!).
Friday, October 19, 2007
We had rain yesterday and today. Yesterday it was mostly light sprinkling, but today we had lots of downpours. I don't know how much rain we actually received, but I swear I can hear the trees and flowers sighing in joy. I wish we could get more. I hope for more...
I'm slowly making my way through the never-ending afghan. I'm almost done with the third of four blocks in the first panel. I'll be so happy when the first panel is done.
Oh, and I am so hooked on LA Ink. Kat Von D and her crew are awesome artists. I would so love to get a tattoo from anyone in that shop. I've also been checking out Moon's new tattoos. I'm so wanting to get another tattoo. I'll have to check around and see if I can find a good place to go and get one. :-)
Well, I'm off to enjoy Buffy and scrounge up something to eat and surf the web.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Anyway, I'm still alive and am hoping to get back to blog posting soon.