Thursday, January 15, 2009


Do you ever feel lost for words, desperate to be able to express yourself to someone, anyone and not have the ability to put words together that will let them understand what it is you are feeling...thinking?

What about when you find a song that says it all for you? Do you feel better knowing that someone else in the world must be feeling the way you do and you aren't alone, how else could the words to the song be so perfect? Or do you feel somehow less, because you couldn't put the words together right, but they did?

I find for me it is mostly joy at knowing that somehow, I can get across what I'm thinking and feeling. Even if I didn't write the words, the resonate so deeply that they are more perfect than anything I could have said.

This song is breaking my heart right now...

I listen to it over and over and can't stop the tears that fall. I wonder sometimes if I disappeared, if anyone would even notice. I am not important here. I make no impact on the world around me, the people that I interact with each day. In fact, lately, I've barely interacted with anyone. Most of the time, I have my headphones in, listening to my iPod. I never go anywhere without it. At work, it keeps me from hearing the joking and laughing at my expense usually and keeps me from having to make polite conversation with people that I'd rather not even be near.

At home, well, I don't know why I keep them in at home. There is no else here to avoid. I just want to hear the music, maybe it keeps my own thoughts buried.



Stormgazer said...

My experience with music is that it can really enhance whatever mood I happen to be in. That's a good thing if I'm in a good mood, but not so good when my mood is dark (I actually go out of my way not to listen to certain music in certain moods for that reason).

I'm a firm believer in the butterfly effect. As such, I tend to think that each and every person has an impact and makes a difference. I read your post tonight, and thought about music for the first time in days - soon I will plug in something medieval and enjoy the rest of my day all the more - because of you. So even seemingly small things make a difference - never doubt that you matter and make an impact.

Jenger said...

I am so sorry hun. It was like that when I worked for the federal gov't in OK. I was a hippie dippie University of Oregon fan stuck in a world of closed minded bigots that would make fun of everything I loved right down to the whole state of Oregon. I ended up getting a rear view mirror for my cubical so I could see if anyone was coming in and listening to Tool as loud as my little ears could handle. This is one thing that makes me so scared about getting hired for any of the millions of jobs I apply for every day.

You have a very large impact. Not just in cyber land, but in the whole world. XOXO

Patricia said...

I know that I would in some way miss you though we've never even met. I also know your pets would miss you. Sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is knowing without me, they wouldn't survive. I think even though they'd miss the food a lot, a big part would be the companionship. Like when I leave town and someone else supplies the food, as soon as you come home they are all over you for the love and could care less about food then. I think we are opposites with music; I can't even listen to anything sad. I stick with the upbeat or I get myself in trouble. I hope things go back to more of an upward slope soon for you.

Dracenea said...

There has been many a time that I've heard a certain lyric and had to write it down because it described how I was feeling perfectly or the combination of words was just so moving that I had to capture it. I don't know what you do for a living but have you considered looking elsewhere? The grass isn't always greener on the other side but it never hurts to look. Hang in there. : )

Concha said...

I read somewhere that when there is a silence between two people and you can’t find words to speak that it’s usually 20 minutes before or 20 minutes after the hour. I just thought it was interesting.

BT said...

I read your sad comment on aims's blog and it prompted me to come and visit. I've been there too. Am reasonably ok now but I do feel for you and know how awful it is to go to work and hate hate hate it. I was signed off eventually with 'incapacity benefit'. That helped a lot.

Do feel free to come and see me at my blog. Not thrilling but often some good photos of the area I live in. Email either.