Scared

Fall seems to have come to my area with a bang. The weather has been in the high 60's and low 70's for a high for the last few days. It feels wonderful. We are getting high winds thanks to the storm off the NC coast. I love it so much! I have the windows open and have really been enjoying the cool weather and fresh air.

The last few weeks I've had a lot on my mind. So much so, that I've been unable to focus on much of anything. Work has required a lot of extra hours and with all the stress I have pretty much lost the ability to sleep. I'm worried. I'm also scared.

I have been having a few health problems and have seen several different doctors. No one can seem to come to a consensus as to what might be wrong with me. Apparently several of the results have not been good. Therefore, tomorrow morning I'll be at the hospital having a biopsy of my liver. The issue that the GI thinks I have is a disease that is only treated with medication that I don't want to take. The side effects will just exacerbate the symptoms I already have. I'm trying not to put the proverbial cart before the horse, but I am worried.

I'm pretty much in a wait and see mode and have been for weeks now while they do one test after another. It is very, very frustrating to me. I don't like to wait for answers. I like to know as soon as possible. I'm expecting a week or two before I'll actually know what is wrong with me. Unfortunately, this whole process has just revived all my memories and feelings from three years ago when I found out I had ovarian cancer. That was the most devastating doctor's visit I have ever had. I'm hoping there won't be another one to rival it.

I debated talking about this here. Honestly, I have no where else to talk about it. I can't share this information with people at work. My family has enough stress on them so talking with them isn't possible. Then my mum... well, mum lives in her own little world where nothing is ever bad and only good things are possible. I found out recently that all this time since my hysterectomy, she has believed that I only had benign tumors. Um...hello...benign tumors? I ended up having to call my gynecologist in order to verify that I had understood my diagnosis correctly. And to top it off, when I told mum I had to have a biopsy, the first words out of her mouth was "don't schedule it for next week, I don't have time." What the F is that? Ugh!

So, I'm on pins and needles, waiting... again. And I'm really, really scared.

Blessings,
~*~