thinking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking today. I have renewed my search for work closer to my "dream home" and have spent the last several hours looking online for any type of job prospects within a 30 minute radius. I think that I'm looking at this the wrong way. I have been looking for something in my current field, but part of the reason that I want to move, is because I don't like the work that I do any longer. I guess I just need to find anything. I told myself at first that I had to find a job that would pay at least what I make now. But if I move there, my expenditures will be lower than what I spend living in the city, except my mortgage will increase. I still think that the outflow of money would be less just to live.

I've also been thinking about what kind of things I could do that would help bring in money. I love gardening and could grow a lot of my vegetables, herbs and live off of those and maybe sell some of my herbs. My friend that owns the shop that I sell my wreaths at would probably buy the herbs for her store. There are so many other things that I could do to make money, creative things.

I guess I just have to figure out how to get started. I don't have much money saved up right now. It has been a bad last few months - emotionally, mentally and fiscally. I want to make an offer on the house. I know I can get the loan with my current income. But with gas prices the way they are, I can't afford to drive 1 1/2 hours to and from work five days a week. I already spoke with my boss and the only leeway she can give me is to work the full 8 hours straight, which would just let me leave an hour earlier than usual. I've also been out so much over the last few months, that I'm running out of sick leave/vacation days. I'm actually in the hole on sick leave but am working that out.

It seems so overwhelming, trying to figure out how to make it happen. I know once I'm there, everything will be fine. It's the getting there that is giving me fits.

I just have to continue to believe that I can make it happen and that it will happen.

Blessings,
~*~

I smell snow...

Yes, it is snowing! It has been since about noon. It has taken a long time for it to stick, but now it is and the world is turning white. I love snow. I love how it makes everything seem clean, somehow fresher than before. Standing on my deck, with the snow falling around me I begin to believe that my dreams can become reality.

I had thought that taking time from work would give me a chance to do some things around the house, to get myself together. That hasn't happened. I have basically done nothing but rest and think. I have spent so much time thinking. I have thought about how I feel about my job. I have thought about how I feel about my home. I have thought about what I have lost in this life and what I may still have to gain. I have also thought about what I want my life to be. How I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do for employment. There is so much I want to change.

I have realized that part of my breakdown this week came from my fear of change, my fear of success. I've realized that there have been times when I knew what I wanted and I focused on them and they became reality. When I was 18, I wanted a house of my own, with a big yard, a cat and a dog. I drew a picture of what I wanted, it had the style of house I wanted, the dog in the yard, the cat in the window, and a garden in the backyard. 5 years later I remembered that drawing, looked around at my surroundings and realized I was there. I had everything I had drawn. I let the doubt creep in that I could keep it going, that maybe it wasn't right and I lost it.

I have focused that kind of energy on things that aren't good for me too and I'm still paying for that. I didn't do a drawing for it, but I put enough visualization into it that I got almost what I wanted or rather I got what I thought I wanted. It turned out that what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all. I'm still trying to end that relationship.

I've known for a long time that I want to live in the country. I want to live where it is quiet and peaceful, where I can walk for miles and not see a soul. I used to dream of moving to Montana. That was my 'thing' whenever I was mad or frustrated with something, I would say, "It won't be like this when I move to Montana". I don't know why I chose Montana. I have never been there, I've only seen it in pictures and movies. I never followed through because I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could move across the country and start over all on my own.

Well, Virginia isn't Montana, but an hour and thirty minutes from here sure does seem like a world away. I look at the treasure map of my 'dream' home several times a day. It is taped to the wall beside my altar, with a little mini altar in front of it. I light candles everyday to bring me to this home. When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of the house, the yard, the plot.

Standing in the snow on my deck, watching the world turn white, I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to. I realized that it doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't need to be easy, it just needs to be.

When I found out I could not have children, I gave up all hope of finding a love for myself, a partner. I thought that no one would want to be with a woman who can't have children. I don't know why I felt that way. Maybe it was because I was so bitter about having that integral part of who I was, taken away against my will. Maybe it was because I grew up on old fashioned southern mentality that a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant taking care of her husband. Please don't misunderstand, I don't believe that it is what is best for every woman and that it is the way it should be. I think that each person should choose for themselves how they want to live and what they want to do. Anyway, don't label me as anti-feminist or whatever.

Back to that snowy deck, standing there I realized I don't have to dream of just myself in that big house with all that land. I can add someone to the picture. I can add a partner to my picture, someone to share that peace, that joy. Someone with whom to share my heart.


Dreams can become reality. My dreams will become reality. I can hardly wait!



Blessings,
~*~

Holidays or Lazy days...

I was so looking forward to having time off during the winter break. I only had to take 3 vacation days from work and would end up with 11 total days away from work. I had so many things I wanted to get done, so many projects. So, what have I done this week, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I have sat on the sofa and watched movies for days. Every day that I did nothing, I felt what little energy I had was draining away. I've slept very late every day and have napped as well. I have not knitted one single stitch and my house is a regular disaster. I hate this time of year. I always get like this right between Christmas and New Years. I was finally able to get moving a little today. I slept late but had to be at the vet by noon to pick up more medicine for the beastie, so I got up around 9, took a shower and headed out. I stopped for gas, picked up the medication at the vet and then went to the grocery. When I returned home I was able to keep going and cleaned most of the kitchen, cleaned the litter boxes, swept the floors, did several loads of laundry and worked on cleaning up my bedroom. It had become the storage room when I cleaned out the computer room and hall. I made a little headway, but there is still a way to go. I hope to have the energy to work on it tomorrow.

I'm already dreading going back to work. I don't have to return until Wednesday, but there is some work I have to do remotely before then. I am determined to go back with a better attitude and to keep my mouth shut about things. There is so much there that bothers me, but there is really nothing I can do about it and I can't afford to get fired, so, zip it! :-)

I've been thinking more and more about "the property". I still have my treasure map of it and have a candle that burns for it every day. I've also been working with Saint Expedite to bring it to me quickly. I still love that place and want to live there. But sometimes, I feel that I should just make the best of things here. Maybe I should put up my fence to block out the neighbors and just work as best I can here. I don't know any more. The thought of all that peace and quiet, of all the land that would be mine. It just makes me smile and makes me feel at ease. I'm so tense here all the time. But am I making myself tense?

Oh well, enough of my rambles. I'm going to finish watching Baby Boom (a top five favorite of mine) and then who knows... maybe I'll work on the afghan, or start my second pair of socks.

Blessings,
~*~

Never give up...

Yesterday's post was very sad and pitiful. Today after a visit with a friend, I'm feeling much better about things. She reminded me that I should never give up on something that I am so passionate about. After I told her about the property and my predicament, she reminded me that I have it in myself to make it happen. She really made me feel better about myself and about the situation.

With that in mind, I've decided not to give up hope. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure the universe knows what I want and helps me to get it. I have some magickal workings I'll be doing starting tonight, on the new moon. And I'll be bringing in some of the hoodoo aspects that I am learning. I know deep down that it is where I belong and I will reach my goal.

I'll post when something breaks!

Now, on the knitting front, I also have a never give up attitude. Last night when I started back on the sock, I was very frustrated with it and decided to just rip it out and give it up. After about 10 minutes of moping about not being able to knit socks, I started it all over again and I think it is coming along well. I plan to work on it tonight while I watch Ghost Whisperer and Lisa Williams and America's Best Psychic (or whatever it is called).

I'm off to give the beast his medicine and then start some work on my project.

Blessings,

~*~

new dreams fade away...

I found out today that I will not be able to afford the property that I have been looking at purchasing. I can get the loan without a problem, but I would not have enough money to live on each month after the house payment was made.

I think the reason that I never became too excited about this opportunity was that I knew it wouldn't happen. I have begun to expect any dream that I have to be shot down or taken away. The only good thing that came from my meeting today was that I learned that I could actually afford more than I thought I could. I suppose I will keep looking for a property like the one I wanted, but I don't believe I will ever find it.

I've been wondering what I did in a past life or even in this one to deserve so much heartbreak. I think I've had more than my fair share. It would be nice if at least one of my dreams could come true.

I've been told on more than one occasion that I am an empath. It makes it so much harder to hold back the pain when I have to feel everyone else's too.

This has hit me harder than I'd thought. I hope to put an end to the pity party tonight and will be back to regular posting tomorrow. Maybe I'll try some knitting to ease the pain. Or maybe I'll just go to bed early.

Blessings
~*~

Whirlwind and knitting

This week has been an absolute whirlwind of activity. On Halloween, we had a party at work and I was part of the "entertainment". I was to be the "gypsy fortune teller". I did tarot readings from 8:30am until after 1:15pm. I was shocked at how many people wanted readings. I was also kind of surprised at how accurate most everyone said I was. I know I shouldn't doubt my abilities, but it has been ages since I have done readings.

Anyway, the most disturbing reading I gave was for someone who has been referred to on this blog before as T for trouble. I hate seeing myself in a reading. Ugh... I tried to explain what I saw, but I don't think T took it seriously. I hope he did otherwise things could be grim for him.

Okay, so now to the rest of the whirlwind, I have spent almost every waking moment knitting on the baby sweater for my s-i-l's sis. I was doing really well until I finished the second sleeve on Friday night and discovered when I held it up that the sleeve was in the middle of the back. Duh! I had to pull it out and then start that part over again. I did get it finished 15 minutes before I was to give it to her. Here it is:


I'm really pleased with how it turned out and with how I did in fixing my mistakes on my own. Most important the mom to be loved it. :-)

Yesterday, I took a ride up the mountain to look at a house that I am interested in. In this post I wrote about needing to find a new dream. Well, I may have found it. The home I am looking at is 1 hour and 30 minutes from my job. That is the only negative thing about this property. The house was built in 1828 and sits in the middle of 68 acres of land, most of it wooded. There is also a nice stream that runs through the property and it has a great old barn and a nice sized workshop that is relatively new and wired. I am really crazy about this property. It is exactly what I have wanted for more years that I can count.

The price is a little more than I'm comfortable with but I think it is doable. I just don't know who long I can drive 3 hours a day to work. If I decide to buy this property, it would be a serious life change. I know it is where I should be. Even before going to see it, I did a working on the night of the full moon to start the process flowing. I admit, I am a little scared. It would be such a change. I would be very much on my own. I'm so used to having my family close by and not having to take care of everything on my own. But it really is something I want.

I know, I've started rambling. I think I'm trying to work this out in my head, by writing here. Well, I'm going to stop writing about it and just leave it at this. I'm going to meditate on it and also ask my guardians to help me decide what to do. I'm sure I'll post about it again.

Well, I'm off to relax. My whole body needs to stretch and relax from all the tension in getting that sweater finished. Hmmm, I wonder what is on the TV tonight.

Blessings,
~*~

Time doesn't really fly... or I need a new dream

This morning, I awoke at 4:18, without the assistance of an alarm clock. The first thing I realized was that it was The Day. The Day is when I lost all my dreams and all my wishes. The Day is when I realized that Fate can be cruel and likes to play games with one’s mind. It has been three years since The Day. Three long, sad years. I have carried on with my life, but I have never been whole. My entire life prior to The Day was spent in anticipation and preparation for the family that I would have. I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie and The Walton’s. I wanted to be Olivia Walton. I wanted her life, the country home, the loving husband and seven or eight children. I knew deep down in my bones, in my soul, that was the life for me. All of my life I KNEW that was my destiny. I never even considered wanting or trying for something different.

Then it happened, pain, blood, surgery to remove a swollen and blocked fallopian tube. I was not happy about this surgery, but I couldn’t take all the bleeding, the pain anymore. And my gynecologist assured me it would not hinder my plans for child bearing. I knew when I came to, even groggy as I was that something wasn’t right. The doctor wouldn’t look me in the eye, nor would my mum. On the ride home, I vaguely remembered the doctor saying there would be pictures of the surgery should I want to see them. I asked my mum for them, but she refused to give them to me. “Not right now,” she said, “you’re still too woozy. I’ll show them to you tomorrow.” I knew.

The next day, I asked again for the pictures and received more excuses, “I forgot them at home with your paperwork, and I’ll bring them tomorrow.”

It was two more days before I was given the pictures. They were left for me where I would find them when she wasn’t there to answer questions. An hour after I looked at them, the doctor called and wanted me to come in that day to see another doctor in the practice as a ‘follow-up’. “What aren’t you telling me?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. “When can you get here? We’ll talk then,” she said. An hour and half later, I walk through the doors of the practice. There are pictures of each doctor on the wall, with their specialty listed below. My eyes searched for the name she had given me. There, I spot her name and look down at the title before looking up at the picture…Gynecological Oncologist. My heart stopped and somewhere inside me, my soul began to die.

The wait wasn’t long, but the conversation was long. It seemed to last for hours. Borderline tumors. Low-malignant ovarian cancer. It grows outside, not like normal cancers. Can you use the word normal and cancer in the same sentence? Only one choice. “But I want to have children; it’s what I’m meant to do.” “There are other alternatives to having a child naturally; you really don’t have a choice in this.” My last question what when do I have to decide, her response, “You can wait a day or two, but no longer than that.”

So many thoughts ran through my mind. I spent several sleepless nights and days, avoiding the doctor’s phone calls. When they finally caught up with me I felt I had no choice but to agree. Agree to a removal of my ovaries and only fallopian tube, but I demanded that they leave my uterus. “At least I’ll have a chance for IVF with a donor egg,” I thought. My surgeon would not promise to leave my uterus. The growths were all over the back of my uterus and the only way to be safe was to have a complete hysterectomy. A date was finally set for the end of January to have the surgery. I went through the process of telling my family and friends. I spent the months up to the surgery seeing specialist after specialist. At one point, I begged a fertility specialist to just remove my ovaries and freeze them until technology caught up and they could be sliced open and the eggs harvested. They said it wasn’t possible.

Time didn’t fly, but then it was January, and I was in surgery. Total and complete hysterectomy. Instantaneous menopause at 35. The next few days were a blur as I tried to recover physically, alone in a hospital that I hated (another story for another time) with no one to talk to. A bad ice and snow storm had come during my surgery and the roads were very treacherous and no one wanted to be on them. I remember lying in the hospital bed, sweating profusely and crying at the least little thing.

There have been lots of tears since the surgery and way more hot flashes. It has taken me this long to be able to be around babies without breaking down into hysterical crying. At the time that I was losing my fertility, everyone around me was becoming more fertile. Several friends and co-workers became pregnant or had spouses who did and every place I went had at least one pregnant woman or newborn baby. I spent the first year just trying to stay alive every day. The second year was spent trying to figure out what to do next.

I will never understand why my fertility was taken from me. Nor will I understand why my dreams had to die that way. But it is time to find a new dream, time to find a reason to keep going. Maybe someday…

Blessings,
~*~

Somethings brewing in the cauldron...

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately. There is a lot going on and I've been very busy. I do have some knitting progress photos of the Iceland Felted bag that I can post and hopefully will do so either later tonight or tomorrow. Posts will probably continue to be sporadic right now as there is something big brewing in my cauldron... :-)

Don't ya just love a teaser! Seriously, there is something in the works which could be life changing for me and as soon as I'm comfortable enough to talk about it without worrying I'll jinx it, I'll let you in on the secret. All I can say at this point is that it is a very good thing and please send me lots of good luck energy!

Alright, I'm off to a vodou group meeting. I promise to post knitting pictures soon.

Blessings,
~*~