Saturday, January 19, 2008

I smell snow...

Yes, it is snowing! It has been since about noon. It has taken a long time for it to stick, but now it is and the world is turning white. I love snow. I love how it makes everything seem clean, somehow fresher than before. Standing on my deck, with the snow falling around me I begin to believe that my dreams can become reality.

I had thought that taking time from work would give me a chance to do some things around the house, to get myself together. That hasn't happened. I have basically done nothing but rest and think. I have spent so much time thinking. I have thought about how I feel about my job. I have thought about how I feel about my home. I have thought about what I have lost in this life and what I may still have to gain. I have also thought about what I want my life to be. How I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do for employment. There is so much I want to change.

I have realized that part of my breakdown this week came from my fear of change, my fear of success. I've realized that there have been times when I knew what I wanted and I focused on them and they became reality. When I was 18, I wanted a house of my own, with a big yard, a cat and a dog. I drew a picture of what I wanted, it had the style of house I wanted, the dog in the yard, the cat in the window, and a garden in the backyard. 5 years later I remembered that drawing, looked around at my surroundings and realized I was there. I had everything I had drawn. I let the doubt creep in that I could keep it going, that maybe it wasn't right and I lost it.

I have focused that kind of energy on things that aren't good for me too and I'm still paying for that. I didn't do a drawing for it, but I put enough visualization into it that I got almost what I wanted or rather I got what I thought I wanted. It turned out that what I thought I wanted, wasn't what I wanted at all. I'm still trying to end that relationship.

I've known for a long time that I want to live in the country. I want to live where it is quiet and peaceful, where I can walk for miles and not see a soul. I used to dream of moving to Montana. That was my 'thing' whenever I was mad or frustrated with something, I would say, "It won't be like this when I move to Montana". I don't know why I chose Montana. I have never been there, I've only seen it in pictures and movies. I never followed through because I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could move across the country and start over all on my own.

Well, Virginia isn't Montana, but an hour and thirty minutes from here sure does seem like a world away. I look at the treasure map of my 'dream' home several times a day. It is taped to the wall beside my altar, with a little mini altar in front of it. I light candles everyday to bring me to this home. When I close my eyes, I can see every detail of the house, the yard, the plot.

Standing in the snow on my deck, watching the world turn white, I realized that I can do anything I set my mind to. I realized that it doesn't have to be perfect and it doesn't need to be easy, it just needs to be.

When I found out I could not have children, I gave up all hope of finding a love for myself, a partner. I thought that no one would want to be with a woman who can't have children. I don't know why I felt that way. Maybe it was because I was so bitter about having that integral part of who I was, taken away against my will. Maybe it was because I grew up on old fashioned southern mentality that a woman's place is barefoot and pregnant taking care of her husband. Please don't misunderstand, I don't believe that it is what is best for every woman and that it is the way it should be. I think that each person should choose for themselves how they want to live and what they want to do. Anyway, don't label me as anti-feminist or whatever.

Back to that snowy deck, standing there I realized I don't have to dream of just myself in that big house with all that land. I can add someone to the picture. I can add a partner to my picture, someone to share that peace, that joy. Someone with whom to share my heart.

Dreams can become reality. My dreams will become reality. I can hardly wait!


1 comment:

Robyn said...

I love this post. Introspection is something you need to set a block of time aside to do...and you have. I'm sure you will feel replenished when you go back to work. It sounds as if you have straightened out a lot of uncertain thoughts.