Friday, September 29, 2006

Sanity post...

The purpose of this post is twofold. One, to keep my sanity. Two, to keep me from making a big mistake. For almost two weeks now I've been ignored by the previously mentioned 'T' as if I don't exist at all. Then today, of course, he starts in acting all pleasant and flirty. He even hinted at wanting to hookup. Now, I find he is leaving out of town and doesn't even bother to tell me. I have no idea how long he will be gone. By his manner, he will be gone for some time, not just the weekend, but he didn't say goodbye or even tell me he was going anywhere. I'm so sick of his crap. I'm sick and tired of letting him control my emotions and thoughts. I wish there was a way to end this without undo drama or pain. But I don't know of one.

I can't just not see him, because, well... we work together. So, I see him at least 5 days a week and sometimes more than that. We work not only at the same location, but in the same office. His desk is across from mine and it is impossible to ignore him. I've had a therapist tell me a few years ago that I needed to quit my job. I told her there was no way that was happening, not because of him. In the past, I have quit various jobs because of relationships that went south. I know you should not mix work and play, but with this one, it just happened. There is no way we would ever end up together in a permanent relationship but I have almost eight years with this company and I'm not losing that.

I have known him for five years. We have been 'involved' for four of those years. I don't know how to end it without everything coming out. I'm sure, if things got ugly, he could get me fired. While I've been with the company longer, he has moved up much faster and is now in a very high ranking position, although not my supervisor. I repeat...I will not quit my job because of him.

So, here I sit, ranting and fussing, instead of emailing him and asking him what is going on. I learned a long time ago that he will do whatever the heck he wants and it doesn't matter what is important to me. Just as an example, when I had my surgery a while back, I was out of work for six weeks. Six weeks of being alone and being thisclose to a nervous breakdown. I could have used a friend. The entire time, I never heard from him. Yet he tells me we are friends and that he cares about me. He is so full of crap. When am I going to learn? Whatever lesson it is that we have to teach each other in this life, I wish we'd hurry up and get it over with. I'm too tired to go on much longer.

Sorry for the rant, but if I hadn't done this here, I would have made a fool of myself to him, yet again. And I just don't think I can stand to do that right now. The biggest problem, I fell in love with him. I fell in love before I knew all the facts. If I had known, I wouldn't have looked twice. But now I'm stuck and I can't seem to make my heart stop loving him.

Hmmm, maybe I should start looking for a job in Montana again...



Anonymous said...

Can you transfer departments so you don't have to see him?

Ary said...

No, my specialty is the only place I'm already in. Thanks for the suggestion though. :-)